Jokes

A few of his famous jokes:

“What is this? An audience of a jury?”

“Come on folks. I know you’re out there. I can hear you breathing.”

“But seriously ladies and germs… if there’s one place for me, it’s ‘Near You.'”

“I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.”

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”

“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.”

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”

“Why are we honoring this man? Have we rum out of human beings?”

Excerpts from Milton Berle’s Private Joke File:

Absentmindedness:

“Oh, yes… what is in this category?”

Beauty Parlors, Mud Pack, and…

“A thing of beauty is a job forever.”

Beginners:

“A young bride and her husband were about to consummate their marriage. The groom asked, ‘Darling, am I the first?’ The bride responded, ‘Why does everybody ask me that question?'”

Dating:

“He found it impossible to make a date. He’d start to talk to a girl and his tongue would twist up like a pretzel. He went to a bookstore and looked for a book that might help him overcome his timidity. 0n a nonfiction rack he saw a book titled ‘Ways to Women.’ Blowing his whole allowance, he bought the book, rushed home and discovered that he’d bought volume ten of the encyclopedia!”

Earthquake:

“A wino was shaken by a vigorous earthquake. He turned to a companion, also leaning up against a building, and said, ‘I don’t remember drinking that!”

New Year’s and New Year’s Eve

“Last year, we toasted the New Year at home. My wife had rye and I had whole wheat!”

Pets:

“A man was feeling poorly. Having taught his dog how to bring in the morning paper, he thought he could improve on that by letting the dog go to the store for him. Stuffing a five dollar bill and a shopping list under the dog’s collar, he sent his pet off. An hour went by. There was no sign of the dog. Two hours went by. Frantic, the man dressed and started toward the store. Passing an alley, he heard a familiar bark. He looked and saw his dog nuzzling up to a female dog. The man ran to the dog and said, ‘I can’t believe this. You’ve never behaved like this before.’ The dog said, ‘I never had the money before.'”

Zingers:

“Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front and you be yourself!”

“Why don’t you take a long walk on a short pier!”